Some people say that dawn is the best time to have the most honest conversation about anything at all, even with your own self. Why? Simply because your brain capacity is at the lowest level and your defence mechanism is almost not functioning. Even trying to think about something can be too exhausting. All you can do is just to let your mouth run itself. Your brain won’t even try to stop because it’s too busy gets ahold of your existence. The nights, along with the weights you carry on and the illusion of the future that never came, ambush you in silence you cannot fight nor evade. If anything left, it is the equanimity in the face of any sudden shock you never realized exist.
I always hated dawn because it is her most favorite time of a day. She was almost always had something to talk about or maybe she just could talk about anything—the unthinkable and the nonexistence, because she was too afraid of how agonizing the silence of the night can be. Or maybe I’m the one who is too afraid. I can’t tell.
“Do you think we have enough?”
“I think so, for now. But maybe I’d like some more later on.”
“I’m tired. You never understand.”
“You asked for it, don’t you remember? I told you it was fine by me to wait for a little while.”
“How many times should I tell you? Please just listen to me this once,” She took up the blanket and covered her bottom half. A minute later she sank her worn-out face down on the pillow. Only her muffled sob remained.
The lines of her smooth back freshened my mind like a splash of water springs. It was always like the first time no matter how many times I looked at it. I always lose myself on the grace of her back like I’ve stumbled on the sacred and unexplored place where time dares not intrude. If only I could gather all my strength in one place, I would caress her back and place my cheek on top of it while listening to the symphony inside her.
“I don’t need fancy stuffs and I’m not your amusement, I only need your time, like you always promised.”
“But I always give you my time like I promised, that’s why I’m here.”
“Yes, except when the time you are bound to the vows that are not mine.”
The dawn casted another magic spell.